So I'm not sure if it's just me, but something has changed within me these few past years. I don't know if it's the smack of realization and reality, or if something inside has mentally changed within me. But over these years, anxiety and change have become two big factors in my world. The sudden shock of growing up and reality have now been plopped into my lap, and in all honesty, this terrifies me.
I'm not sure if it's uncertainty or the "newness" to these situations I'm now encountering, but I have never been more alone. It seems like what once was normal and familiar is now an unfriendly cold place. Home is still home, in a sense; but too much is different now. I feel so different.
College is something I never really was raised into. There was no prepping, no dream college, no savings, nothing. Not that I can blame my parents for this, but because of this childhood environment and this sort of "Peter Pan" feeling I have put upon myself, this growing up thing has really and truly startled me. I feel behind, lazy, unaccomplished, confused, frustrated, and overly covered in self-pity.
It makes me sad that this is the way I'm starting things off for myself. Highschool graduate whose afraid of taking a step out.
I know that life is really not this hard, and that most of this fear and anxiety is all coming from my own thoughts, but when you feel trapped and alone, it is easy to quickly fill yourself up with these fears.
Through this however, I have noticed myself drawing nearer towards my religious beliefs. No matter what life has thrown my way, I know that my religious beliefs have always stayed the same. I may have changed, grown farther apart, but my church and my foundation has always still been there. No matter how much I let go, my hand is still gripping onto my religious beliefs. So in some way, this whole jump into adulthood and change has drawn me nearer.
I pray every day, and I hope to overcome this. I really really hope I can not only overcome it, but learn and grow and strengthen myself. Learn to rise above these fears and anxieties. To whomever is out there reading this, if you feel the same way, just anxious and alone and frustrated. Know you're not alone. If anything just know there are others out there like you. We're all a bit unprepared for these things. But change happens, an change is what you make of it. It can be good.